I'm Not Okay

Sadness is one of those things that are different for everyone. Here’s a little snippet of how it is for me...
Let me tell the truth here guys. I’m not really the happiest person right now. That’s why all this work has been getting done. It’s why ally my writer-ly friends have been hearing from me so much. When I get sad it’s not just one thing. It never has been. You see, I’m the kind of person that has a bad habit of bottling up all my feelings. After a while, they start to leak out and eventually (you guessed it) I explode. So what do I do then? Cry, scream, pretend that I’m not alive anymore? Of course not. I throw myself into my work.
Thinking too much kills me. I’m always halfway between the real world and my imagination anyway, so when I’m sad and I cant stop thinking about it I don’t know what to do anymore. I just start gazing off into space. I get lost.
My only way to fix that is to throw myself into anything and everything. I try to talk and laugh with everyone. I write large portions of Doppled in Gray, I edit, I revise. I sing. I dance some more. It doesn’t change anything I’m feeling on the inside but it pushes it down a bit.
It’s not like no one can tell. I’m not shy. I never have been. Just yesterday, I walked up to a guy and said his Mohawk was sexy. I’m open, I say what’s on my mind as soon as it gets there. My need to communicate is overwhelming sometimes. So when I get quiet, because I’m lost in the sadness that I just cant get rid of, no matter what my word count is or how many pirrouettes I did that day, people notice. People ask me what’s wrong. I always have the same answer. Nothing.
It’s not because I want attention. I don’t want you to keep asking. What I want you to do, is let me get over it by myself. This kind of sadness can’t be fixed. I’ve tried. You just have to let it go away at its own pace. Saying something wont fix anything. Be happy for me.
So what does this say for my work? I will be a fabulous worker until I get over this. Get ready for lots and lots of book reviews(One a week for, who knows how long...) and blog posts on interesting stuff. I’ll also try posting teasers of Doppled in Gray every time I write something I think is pretty good.

In all I’m not okay. But everything else will be. So don’t worry :)

Inspirations of the week! (Feb13-18)

#1 Quote by Ellen Hopkins
"Did you ever, when you were little, endure your parents’ warnings, then wait for them to leave the room, pry loose protective covers and consider inserting some metal object into an electrical outlet? 

Did you wonder if for once you might light up the room? 

When you were big enough to cross the street on your own, did you ever wait for a signal, hear the frenzied approach of a fire truck and feel like stepping out in front of it? 

Did you wonder just how far that rocket ride might take you? 

When you were almost grown, did you ever sit in a bubble bath, perspiration pooling, notice a blow dryer plugged in within easy reach, and think about dropping it into the water? 

Did you wonder if the expected rush might somehow fail you? 

And now, do you ever dangle your toes over the precipice, dare the cliff to crumble, defy the frozen deity to suffer the sun, thaw feather and bone, take wing to fly you home?" 
— Ellen Hopkins (Burned (Burned, #1))
I've read just about all of Ellen Hopkin's books and I just LOVE her work. This is one of the poems that gives me chills every time I read it :)


#2 Doomsday

This gosh-darn song is so pretty! A friend showed it to me after much coaxing on her part. I'm glad she did because I absolutely LOVE it. 


#3 The Hill (Song From the Movie Once)

This song is beautifully heart-breaking and touches me in ways I cannot describe. The singer's voice is just so beautiful...

#4 Banner that a friend made for me for Doppled in Gray :)

I love this picture so much. It really reminds me of Daze's roots as must a body in a tank while she was in a virtual world. :D Loveee ittt!!! Changed my cover to this too :)

On Deadlines.

So I would rather do this when I wasn't already posting something because I love to space my posts out but I feel like I must put it out there to make it official. I am going to have Doppled in Gray FINISHED by May31 if it is the last thing I do. I realize how crazy this sounds as I write this once I think about all the school things I have to do but I really don't care. I need to finish this darn thing so I can get to editing. In a perfect world I would have the novel done by the end of next month and then edit April and May but I realize that is not very likely. But I will try? Definitely, 1k a day can't kill me.
I think it's important to set deadlines with your writing because it really focuses you. I really do want to publish this novel but I cant do it if I keep putting it off. I also have another project (I've been planning and outlining for over a year)that I want to do this summer. I love the world that I have created but I really feel that it's getting to be time to move on.
How am I going to accomplish my goal? Schedule. I am a very unorganized person but if I want to get this done I wont be anymore.
I go to the library after school and usually just hang out with my friends. I can make that time productive by actually doing my homework AND writing while I'm there instead of playing around. I wont give up I wont back down. And as soon as this fist draft is done I WILL murder my darlings until its perfect :)

Inspirations of the week! (Jan29-Feb4)

I've been having a rough week. Well make that a rough couple of months but I've promised myself to get back in the habit of writing because I realized how good it really is for me. Especially the Inspiration of the week. It helps me reflect :)
#1 Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night- A Poem by Dylan Thomas

My favorite stanza from this poem is:

"And you, my father, there on the sad height, 

Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray. 

Do not go gentle into that good night. 

Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

This poem has slowly began to mean a lot to me. It became my favorite a week or so ago when I first read the entire thing. I know that it's about always trying to fight death even when you know it's coming, but to me it also means living every moment to it's fullest because you can. 

#2 I Died in a Car Crash- Dance

This video should be self explanatory. It's so beautiful.  

#3 Youth by Daughter

I am an avid dubstep listener so I heard the remix of this song first, (Link: http://soundcloud.com/dubstep/youth-by-daughter-love-thy-brother-remix) but when I heard the begining of the song and it's beautiful lyrics I knew I had to hear the entirety of this song. And it is magical. I love it so much and the truth just rings in your ears because of it.

Only three for the week that just passed. I'll prob have more for this week :)

Mid-Write CRISIS

I'm smack dab in the middle of my novel. It's been going great for awhile. I was writing at least 2k words a day. But now, for the last week, it has hurt to write 200 words. I always hit that place in a novel where I just don't want to write it. 

It's not because it's a bad idea, or the writing sucks. I'm just tired of it. And that's when my other ideas all begin to creep up on me. And my blog becomes more and more interesting.

 I haven't written in a week. I'm tired, I feel that I've been overworked even though I haven't been doing anything but watching tv. But, you know what? I'm going to keep writing. Because I believe in my novel and I know that this will pass. It's like a man in a mid-life crisis. I just need a red sports car-like plot thread and then everything will be fine. I'm going to keep going because I believe in my writing. And you should too.

-Sarah Westen

On Detirmination

Determination is one of my favorite things. We are all determined to so something at one time or another. Whether it be to become famous( like Marilyn Monroe always wanted) or to scrape up enough money to buy a car and go to college(like me). Determination is what keeps you on your toes.

Right now all I'm determined to do is finish Doppled in Gray. I'm taking steps with that. Right now is finish the first draft. Then edit. Then rewrite. Edit again. Query. From there it gets hazy. If I get an agent, I'll go for traditional publishing. If I get burnt out(which I will after 200+ queries) I'll self publish. I really just want my baby to be read. It doesn't matter how. After Doppled in Gray will come another book that I wrote, and then another. But I'm always going to be determined to keep going.

Who knows, maybe you You have the same goal as me. Maybe you want get published. You want to see your name on a beautiful cover in the bookstore and be able to smile and say, “That was totally worth it.”

Maybe your goal is smaller, maybe you just want to get through the month, the week, the day. It doesn't matter. Life isn't about the outcome it's about how you got there and what pieces you left behind. Maybe it will be huge like JK Rowling's or Oprah's. Maybe it will be tiny. But stay with whatever it is.

Set a goal, make a bucket list. As long as you are determined just trust yourself. You'll get there.