I'm Not Okay

Sadness is one of those things that are different for everyone. Here’s a little snippet of how it is for me...
Let me tell the truth here guys. I’m not really the happiest person right now. That’s why all this work has been getting done. It’s why ally my writer-ly friends have been hearing from me so much. When I get sad it’s not just one thing. It never has been. You see, I’m the kind of person that has a bad habit of bottling up all my feelings. After a while, they start to leak out and eventually (you guessed it) I explode. So what do I do then? Cry, scream, pretend that I’m not alive anymore? Of course not. I throw myself into my work.
Thinking too much kills me. I’m always halfway between the real world and my imagination anyway, so when I’m sad and I cant stop thinking about it I don’t know what to do anymore. I just start gazing off into space. I get lost.
My only way to fix that is to throw myself into anything and everything. I try to talk and laugh with everyone. I write large portions of Doppled in Gray, I edit, I revise. I sing. I dance some more. It doesn’t change anything I’m feeling on the inside but it pushes it down a bit.
It’s not like no one can tell. I’m not shy. I never have been. Just yesterday, I walked up to a guy and said his Mohawk was sexy. I’m open, I say what’s on my mind as soon as it gets there. My need to communicate is overwhelming sometimes. So when I get quiet, because I’m lost in the sadness that I just cant get rid of, no matter what my word count is or how many pirrouettes I did that day, people notice. People ask me what’s wrong. I always have the same answer. Nothing.
It’s not because I want attention. I don’t want you to keep asking. What I want you to do, is let me get over it by myself. This kind of sadness can’t be fixed. I’ve tried. You just have to let it go away at its own pace. Saying something wont fix anything. Be happy for me.
So what does this say for my work? I will be a fabulous worker until I get over this. Get ready for lots and lots of book reviews(One a week for, who knows how long...) and blog posts on interesting stuff. I’ll also try posting teasers of Doppled in Gray every time I write something I think is pretty good.

In all I’m not okay. But everything else will be. So don’t worry :)


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