On Change.

Change is an interesting thing.

When I was in elementary school, wide eyed and thinking that I was ready to face the world on my own, I used to imagine what I would be like now. Clear face, perfect grades, popular, cheerleader, tall, skinny, football player boyfriend; it was all so perfect in my head. I wanted to be the "it girl"; the one that everyone would see and say, "I want to be just like her." When I grew up I was going to be a veterinarian from UC Berkeley, and then be a millionaire. Most importantly, I would have a best selling YA book by the time I was eighteen so I wouldn't have to worry about college tuition.

When I was in middle school, my dream changed. I wanted to be part of the hipster/scene crowd, the one that everyone wanted to be, but wouldn't dare say so. I was always trying to figure out how I could be edgy and reach that amount of cool that everyone else was too "afraid" to reach for. I wanted the perfect boyfriend that was a "scene" kid(you know, the ones with the eyeliner and skinny jeans). I wanted to be perfect. I was going to grow up and move down to LA and become an actor and then be a millionaire. Most importantly, I would have a best selling YA novel by the time I was eighteen so I wouldn't have to worry about money.

Now my dream has changed. I don't want to be a part of a crowd, and I would never want to be someone everyone wanted to be. Role models irk me. I have a boyfriend but he's not perfect and either is our relationship. And honestly, I don't want to be a millionaire. I want to be able to live my life. I want to live on the East Coast. My two dream jobs would be a columnist for a magazine with a job as a dance critic on the side or a literary agent before becoming an editor. Yeah, I have a book. I have more than one finished book actually. But I realize that I probably wont have them published by time I'm eighteen, and I'm happy with that. After writing for so long, I've realized that it's not about the fame. For me, writing is about being able to share a piece of yourself with others. It's about inviting them into your world. And if they don't like it? Well, that's life. Isn't it? We aren't going to like every person we meet.

I try to not focus on the change as much as I do on the continuities now. Throughout my life, I've only had a few thing that stayed the same my entire life. Those are my love for writing fiction, my ability at math and my glass mickey mouse cup from 2000. I don't want to do the impossible anymore when I can find the impossible in every day life. Maybe that's just me growing up. Maybe it's my writer-ness talking. Does it really matter? Change is an interesting thing. But what doesn't change is what you can depend on :)


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